Love Happens

It's been a while

2007-08-22T16:14:00.000+10:00

I've been struggling a fair bit.

Not spiritually, so much. I feel as though I'm in a 'leaning' time, where I spend most of my spiritual effort just having quick chats with God and resting in him. No huge spiritual growing going on, just quietly relying on him. And I'm OK with that. Partly because I suspect I'm being taught a far deeper lesson than I realise.

Anyway, onto the struggle and why I haven't been blogging much in the last year or so. I was pregnant last year. Everything went well with bubs, and we now have a 7 month old gorgeous little boy. However, I was diagnosed with a relatively major heart problem - related to the repair of a bigger problem done when I was young. Basically all it means as far as symptoms go, now, is that I'm tired - exhausted! - a lot. In a way, it's been freeing, because when I know what's wrong and understand my limits, I can work with them and with God a lot more effectively. Chances are I've had some symptoms for years, and that's why I've had weird periods of tiredness and apathy. Not depression, after all.

So, that's where I'm at. I'm hoping to get posting on this blog a lot more regularly, as well as revamping StreetWar and setting up a new blogzine for christian women. I'm thinking of opening StreetWar up into more of a discussion forum for people ministering (or wanting to minister to, or support ministry, etc) to the disadvantaged. I think it might help give StreetWar some new life. The blogzine... well, I've been looking around at resources for christian women on the net, and a lot of it is... ummm... a bit too conservative for my liking. We'll see. I'll post a link if and when I get it off the ground.

TIRED

2006-07-27T14:55:00.000+10:00

When we get right down to it... that's how I feel. Tired. Not depressed, just that my body wants to sleep, and sleep, and maybe just lie on the couch awake for a few hours.

I've had a mantra over the last few weeks - simply this... "Lord, thank you for today". When my only other options seemed to be worry or fake "it'll be OK!" optimism, I fell back on that. I'm not sure where the concept comes from (doubtless some book I read... might even be the bible). But I didn't want to pray, "Lord, make everything OK", because... sometimes he doesn't. And I didn't want to pray, "Lord, thanks for this new family member" when I knew full well there was a good chance the pregnancy would never get that far. So my prayers have often been reduced to, "Lord, thank you for today". I guess it's my way of saying that I have no idea where whatever happened that day fits into a grand scheme, but I have faith that he will bring joy and peace out of it.

"All things work together for good, for those that love God"
(eventually)

Big Issues and Church Collide

2006-05-23T11:44:00.000+10:00

So our mate who sells the Big Issue in our upper-class suburb turned up at church for the second time on Sunday. The first time, he sat down next to me, listened a bit, talked to me a bit, then got uncomfortable and left. This time, he sat down for a couple of minutes before telling me he wanted to stay, but couldn't - he needed to talk.

We went outside, and he told me that he was facing the possibility of getting kicked out of his unit, and he was worried about himself and (maybe more important to him) his cat. His unit means a lot to him, as does the cat. So we talked, had a cup of coffee, and sold a couple of copies of the Big Issue. Then I had to leave, and he probably went to the pub.

Now what?

I Want to be a CLONE

2006-05-16T10:56:00.000+10:00

One of the greatest joys - and maybe greatest influences, too - of my early Christian life was a singer by the name of Steve Taylor. If you're OLD (30-40), you might have heard of him. Many of his songs took a gentle (or sometimes not-so-gentle) jab at contemporary Christianity. Some of them were aimed at secular life. He liked to point out the foibles and failings of modern life in a humourous way... and I still love his music. He's still around, but he's no longer recording his own music. Sigh. Oh well, people don't HAVE to consult me before changing their careers... I guess.

So anyway... I was wandering through netland and came across this fantastic little gem. It's live footage of my hero himself, singing my favourite song... the timeless "I Want To Be A Clone".

Guilt

2006-05-15T19:18:00.000+10:00

Ever noticed that you're feeling guilty for not being on a spiritual high?

As though christian life was about the 'thrill' times, and if you're having trouble feeling God's presence and consciously letting him work through you, there's something significantly wrong with you?

PS.

2006-05-08T12:07:00.000+10:00

I meant to mention that my body's not really appreciating the huge rise and fall in hormone levels that's swept through it in the last couple of weeks. Today I'm feeling better than I have in weeks, and I'm still ready to crawl under my desk and sleep. So if my blogs don't get updated... you have an insider's knowledge as to WHY! :-)

Update on a Weird Month

2006-05-08T11:47:00.000+10:00

I've finally gotten around to making an update.

In all honesty, I've been avoiding this, because I haven't been quite sure what was going on and how I felt about it - which makes it difficult to communicate anything!

As far as ministry goes... well, I'm still getting to know people in the neighbourhood, and the gentleman who sells the Big Issue in our suburb actually turned up at church for 5-10 minutes before getting uncomfortable and leaving. I guess that's a step in the right direction? At least one person made a point of visiting him at his usual spot, mentioning that they saw him at church and buying a magazine, so hopefully that's helped.

Personal life... oh boy. First, a little bit of background info... hubby and I have been trying for children for a couple of years now. Result at the start of the year? 1 pregnancy, 1 miscarriage, 15 months of nothing and God saying to me, "It's not going to happen this year". OK, I could cope with that. I ditched the ovulation tracking and immersed myself in work, church and outside-church-ministry. April was the first month, though, that I managed the mammoth feat - I managed to completely forget where in my cycle I was. I was quite impressed with my feat until I noticed that I'd been feeling tired, nauseous and headachey - not to mention full of weird pains - for a couple of weeks. I tested - very very faint positive. Hmmmm. I showed it to hubby that night, in case I'd been imagining things. Nope - he agreed with me. Hmmmmmm. That night, I started bleeding. Sigh. In other words, yes I was pregnant... and no, I'm not anymore.

So this has got me wondering what exactly God's trying to tell me. See, I was fairly sure that God was in control when it came to those 18 months since the last miscarriage. I often felt him saying "Not yet", so not getting pregnant didn't really bother me on anything but an emotional level. But now - was that another 'not yet'? Was it a 'get ready'? Or was it just one of those seemingly-random sad things that happens in a fallen world? I'm puzzled... and I feel like treading water for a while till I can figure it out. Unfortunately, the world's moving on regardless... so I guess I'll just have to see what happens.

Ka-CHING!

2006-04-05T13:32:00.000+10:00

A lightbulb just went on.

I just saw this article, courtesy of a forum far-removed from TSA and blogging. It's an explanation of long-term illness that works rather well for depression, too... when I read it I thought, "That is SO obvious". It's one of those things that only seem obvious once someone's come up with it.

The Spoon Theory

Epiphany No. 487

2006-04-05T12:25:00.000+10:00

(no, I don't really number my epiphanies!)

I think I had an epiphany today at lunchtime.

I was thinking about my desire to have a day off tomorrow, and trying to calculate the possibility of it being granted by my workplace (probably rather high compared to many workplaces). Anyway, it occurred to me that hubby will be home most of tomorrow, and I lost a bit of enthusiasm for the idea. Not because I don't enjoy spending time with him - I do! - but because right now I'm struggling with yet another depressive low... and being with another person for long just seems like too much effort. I can't be entirely myself. I need to be a better version of myself... nicer, calmer, more controlled. Otherwise I do harm. Whereas by myself, I can let loose and do/say whatever, and no-one's going to care. I can ignore the world and get lost in a book and no-one's feelings will get hurt. I can be selfish, catty and annoying, and my audience (me) will find me hilarious and great company.

Wouldn't it be nice if that better version was actually the real version, and didn't require extra effort to maintain?

Practical Joke?

2006-03-24T09:42:00.000+10:00

I think someone's playing a huge practical joke on me!

I decided this week that my job is just stressing me TOO much. So, I reluctantly decided to foray out into the job market again. I knew I was getting underpaid, and figured a $10K payrise might be possible.

An hour after I sent my resume to a recruitment company in reply to a job ad, I got a phone call. They're interested in putting me forward for a couple of jobs, which pay $22K and $30K more than my current one, respectively.

I'm still in shock.

(No, it doesn't mean I'm going to GET either one - but the pay difference! Wowsers!)

Edited to say: The whole reason I posted about this was to ask for prayer. We really need wisdom in deciding what to do over the next few weeks. So far, we've decided that I should apply for both positions. If I get either, we'll need to move within a couple of months of me starting. If I get one of them, we'll need to change churches. If we get the other, it may well point the way to me (or us) getting involved in the Mission Team's Missional Church... because we'd be wanting to move into that sort of area anyway.

My brain hurts.

What the Muppets can teach us about church

2006-03-22T10:06:00.000+10:00

I 'borrowed' this video from MrMuMu's blog because:

I remember this clip from childhood... and remember loving it (and Animal) back then.
I was struck by a very clear (to me!) analogy to church, and how we react to people who want to improvise a little. Oh... and the ultimate result (the person becoming more and more distant, then leaving!).
I relate to Animal and the whole church-looking-at-you-weirdly thing.

Watch and have a giggle!

I love this story...

2006-03-21T16:03:00.000+10:00

I first read this years ago, and it always gives me a smile. I hope it's true. I doubt it... but hey, it's possible that it's true, right? See if you love it too...

The Pastor’s Cat

This is claimed to be a true story told about the pastor of the narrator’s own church.

The pastor had a kitten that climbed up a tree in his backyard and then was afraid to come down. The pastor coaxed, offered warm milk, etc.

The kitty would not come down.

The tree was not sturdy enough to climb, so the pastor decided that if he tied a rope to his car and drove away so that the tree bent down, he could then reach up and get the kitten. That's what he did, all the while checking his progress in the car. He then figured that if he went just a little bit further, the tree would bend over far enough for him to reach the kitten. But as he moved the car a little further forward, the rope broke. The tree went "BOING!" and the kitten instantly sailed through the air ... out of sight.

The pastor felt terrible. He walked all over the neighborhood asking people if they'd seen a little kitten.
No. Nobody had seen a stray kitten. So he prayed, "Lord, I just commit this kitten to your keeping," and left it at that.

A few days later he was at the supermarket and met one of his church members. He happened to look into her shopping trolley and was amazed to see tins of cat food. This woman was a cat hater and everyone knew it, so he asked her,

"Why are you buying cat food when you hate cats so much?"

She replied, "You won't believe this," and then told him how her little girl had been begging her for a cat, but she kept refusing. Then a few days before, the child had begged again, so her Mum finally told her, "Well, if God gives you a cat, I'll let you keep it."

She told the pastor, "I watched my child go out into the yard, get on her knees, and ask God for a cat. And really, Pastor, you won't believe this, but I saw it with my own eyes. A kitten suddenly came flying out of the blue sky, with its paws outspread, and landed right in front of her."

Never underestimate the power of God and his unique sense of humor!

Goin' into Battle (Part 2)

2006-03-21T15:56:00.000+10:00

Here's the second part of the post I promised y'all...

(PS. The 'I broke my blog' post was inspired by this very post... I couldn't get blogspot to actually publish it. Anyone else had problems recently?)

So, the next time. I'm a member of a christian internet forum. A Lutheran wandered into our SA area of the forum and basically said - you don't practice communion and baptism, you're not really christians. Hmmmm. I found it interesting that he was Lutheran - the denomination I grew up in and still have a lot of affection for! Anyway, I finished up replying with this -

I would have to ask you a question in return!

When Jesus (and the OT, for that matter) spoke so strongly and often about social justice - and spoke of it as mandatory in the christian life - why is the Lutheran church so lax in preaching, encouraging and organising its members to help those less fortunate? It strikes me as wilful, selfish disobedience.

Take a look at these verses:

"When the Son of Man comes in his glory, and all the angels with him, he will sit on his throne in heavenly glory. All the nations will be gathered before him, and he will separate the people one from another as a shepherd separates the sheep from the goats. He will put the sheep on his right and the goats on his left. "Then the King will say to those on his right, 'Come, you who are blessed by my Father; take your inheritance, the kingdom prepared for you since the creation of the world. For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in, I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and you came to visit me.'

"Then the righteous will answer him, 'Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you something to drink? When did we see you a stranger and invite you in, or needing clothes and clothe you? When did we see you sick or in prison and go to visit you?'

"The King will reply, 'I tell you the truth, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me.'
Matthew 25:31-40

"So I will come near to you for judgment. I will be quick to testify against sorcerers, adulterers and perjurers, against those who defraud laborers of their wages, who oppress the widows and the fatherless, and deprive aliens of justice, but do not fear me," says the LORD Almighty.
Malachi 3:5

Do not go over your vineyard a second time or pick up the grapes that have fallen. Leave them for the poor and the alien. I am the LORD your God.
Leviticus 19:10

If there is a poor man among your brothers in any of the towns of the land that the LORD your God is giving you, do not be hardhearted or tightfisted toward your poor brother.
Deuteronomy 15:7

There will always be poor people in the land. Therefore I command you to be openhanded toward your brothers and toward the poor and needy in your land.
Deuteronomy 15:11

(note that these two verses show that not only do we need to avoid negative behaviour toward the poor, but that we must be active in positive behaviour - helping the poor)

Now the men and their wives raised a great outcry against their Jewish brothers. Some were saying, "We and our sons and daughters are numerous; in order for us to eat and stay alive, we must get grain."

Others were saying, "We are mortgaging our fields, our vineyards and our homes to get grain during the famine."

Still others were saying, "We have had to borrow money to pay the king's tax on our fields and vineyards. Although we are of the same flesh and blood as our countrymen and though our sons are as good as theirs, yet we have to subject our sons and daughters to slavery. Some of our daughters have already been enslaved, but we are powerless, because our fields and our vineyards belong to others."

When I heard their outcry and these charges, I was very angry. I pondered them in my mind and then accused the nobles and officials. I told them, "You are exacting usury from your own countrymen!" So I called together a large meeting to deal with them and said: "As far as possible, we have bought back our Jewish brothers who were sold to the Gentiles. Now you are selling your brothers, only for them to be sold back to us!" They kept quiet, because they could find nothing to say.

So I continued, "What you are doing is not right. Shouldn't you walk in the fear of our God to avoid the reproach of our Gentile enemies? I and my brothers and my men are also lending the people money and grain. But let the exacting of usury stop! Give back to them immediately their fields, vineyards, olive groves and houses, and also the usury you are charging them—the hundredth part of the money, grain, new wine and oil."
Nehemiah 5:1-11

"If I have denied the desires of the poor
or let the eyes of the widow grow weary,
if I have kept my bread to myself,
not sharing it with the fatherless-
but from my youth I reared him as would a father,
and from my birth I guided the widow-
if I have seen anyone perishing for lack of clothing,
or a needy man without a garment,
and his heart did not bless me
for warming him with the fleece from my sheep,
if I have raised my hand against the fatherless,
knowing that I had influence in court,
then let my arm fall from the shoulder,
let it be broken off at the joint.
For I dreaded destruction from God,
and for fear of his splendor I could not do such things.
Job 31:16-24

"Speak up for those who cannot speak for themselves, for the rights of all who are destitute. Speak up and judge fairly; defend the rights of the poor and needy."
Proverbs 31:8-9

She opens her arms to the poor and extends her hands to the needy.
Proverbs 31:20 (the wife of noble character)

Is this the kind of fast I have chosen,
only a day for a man to humble himself?
Is it only for bowing one's head like a reed
and for lying on sackcloth and ashes?
Is that what you call a fast,
a day acceptable to the LORD ?
"Is not this the kind of fasting I have chosen:
to loose the chains of injustice
and untie the cords of the yoke,
to set the oppressed free
and break every yoke?
Is it not to share your food with the hungry
and to provide the poor wanderer with shelter—
when you see the naked, to clothe him,
and not to turn away from your own flesh and blood?
Isaiah 58:5-7

Jesus answered, "If you want to be perfect, go, sell your possessions and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven. Then come, follow me."
Matthew 19:21

"Do not be afraid, little flock, for your Father has been pleased to give you the kingdom. Sell your possessions and give to the poor. Provide purses for yourselves that will not wear out, a treasure in heaven that will not be exhausted, where no thief comes near and no moth destroys. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.
Luke 12:32-34

Then Jesus said to his host, "When you give a luncheon or dinner, do not invite your friends, your brothers or relatives, or your rich neighbors; if you do, they may invite you back and so you will be repaid. But when you give a banquet, invite the poor, the crippled, the lame, the blind, and you will be blessed. Although they cannot repay you, you will be repaid at the resurrection of the righteous."
Luke 14:12-14

So, what do you think? Are YOU following God's very, very clear command to have compassion on the poor in our world? THIS is what we will be judged on.

What do y'all think? Was I fair? Prideful? Grouchy (always a good bet)?

(PS. This isn't really meant as a judgment on any particular denomination. I don't like to do that - I think it's generally unhelpful and divisive. It's meant more as a 'hey - these are the least of your worries - focus on the important stuff' call)

Goin' into Battle

2006-03-17T17:41:00.000+10:00

Every now and then, I find myself slamming someone, theologically speaking. I generally know when it's from God because I really, really, don't enjoy it. Which is sort of weird, considering that I generally enjoy getting the upper hand in a debate. But I'll find myself praying a fair bit while preparing what to say, and before saying it... I guess because I hate false teaching, and hate the idea of ME leading someone down the wrong path.

Anyway, I've felt the need to do it twice in the last week. Lemme tell you about it...

The first time was when a friend lent me some reading after she heard me talking about tai chi. Now, I've done a fair bit of research into tai chi and other practices which have come to the west from eastern philosophy and religious practices. Nevertheless, I thought I'd practice humility, take the literature, read it with as close to a teachable heart as I could, and see what happened. Well, it languished a bit till she asked for it back... then I started reading. ACK. It was nasty stuff - and written by Salvation Army officers, btw. The teaching did have some truth to it, I'm not denying that. I'm not anti-spiritual-warfare, although I'm occasionally sceptical about stories that I hear. But... I followed the scripture references it gave, considered the concepts it taught, and sadly came to the conclusion that this could only be described as false teaching. Sigh. But God gave me an interesting question to ask about the authors of the 'book'. So she asked me what I thought, and before answering I asked the question - "Are these people still in ministry?". The answer? No. Their marriage broke down 'due to spiritual attack'. So, I told her I wasn't surprised, and why, and... she was incredibly gracious about me telling her that I thought it was a bunch of nasty false teaching with some truths mixed in. I still feel bad thinking about it, you know? I believe I did the right thing. But she got excited about that material, and I feel bad that I (hopefully) wrecked that for her. Thinking of that 'wounds from a friend can be trusted' proverb only helps a bit.

(continued next post)

Oooops...

2006-03-17T14:54:00.000+10:00

I think I broke my blog! <:-o

Missional Church

2006-03-16T12:18:00.000+10:00

I went along to a meeting for a 'Missional Church' which the Salvation Army will probably be starting later this year. There's some information on the Mission Team website.

I found that I'm... undecided. It sounds like fun. It's in one of my favourite suburbs... in fact, when I moved to this city it was the only place I could go and feel at home. I don't know, though, where God's leading. The timing (July) seems a little off for what I think God's given me (six months from March - so September-ish). In a way, it looks as though it could be an exercise in self-indulgence for me.

BIG HUGE NOTE
I'm not implying that this missional church, or any similar enterprise, is a general exercise in self-indulgence!

It could be an exercise in self-indulgence because I could keep my relatively-well-paying job, rent a house in the area, visit cafes and drink coffee in the name of evangelism... know what I mean? Maybe I'm getting stuck on the idea that mission has to be physically difficult and challenging, and require giving up all material benefits. Maybe it would actually be bad for me. After all, it sounds like my life at the moment, with a bit of extra 'church' and coffee. Maybe it would challenge me spiritually, and require me to rely a lot more on God.

Anyway, regardless, I figure I'll wait to find out what God wants. I think he wants me getting involved somehow, but I don't quite understand how, yet. So I'm meeting up with an organiser for coffee (hehe) in a few days. Maybe I should talk to our church leader before that and see what he thinks about me getting involved. He's a wise man, and I have a tendency to forget to use the huge pool of gifts in the people around me to help in my decision-making.

(Note: I sound like a single woman sometimes, don't I? Yes, hubby is involved in the consulting process, promise. That's part of my confusion atm, though, because he isn't overly interested in this venture)

Oh... and just to add a little bit more interesting stuff into the mix... I've been asked to head up a prayer team to go into a new housing initiative in my favourite 'dodgy suburb'. Yikes. How do I get myself into these situations? How did I get myself into all this prayer stuff?

An accidental laugh

2006-03-14T16:40:00.000+10:00

I tripped over this while looking for Salvation Army blogs...

I quite liked the advert from the Salvation Army for a 'Divisional' Youth Officer and wondered whether they should be after a 'unifying' one instead!
Source

I love getting an unexpected chuckle!

Whoops...

2006-03-14T14:48:00.000+10:00

I forgot one other (relatively major) thing...

... I'm leading bible study tomorrow night.

ARGH.

Juggler Extraordinaire

2006-03-14T14:06:00.000+10:00

And...

I'm juggling again. Definitely. Let me see if I can summarise:

At work I'm labouring on a project which is running horribly behind, yet will (*cough cough*) be finished by the end of the week (on time). <--- much sarcasm
Hubby and I are attending a meeting tonight for a proposed 'Missional Church' (aka 614-style community churchy thing). Hmmmm. It's not in the 'right' suburb but it's in the suburb which is second-closest to my heart in this city. Even though I used to work there.
My guitar-learning has fallen by the wayside in the last couple of weeks.
I've been so caught up in getting Street War up and running (again) that I almost forgot about my personal blog.
I need to spend more time with God.
I'm preparing a surprise for hubby on the weekend - our second wedding anniversary. It seems a miracle that we haven't killed each other by now. In fact, it probably is a miracle... God's miraculous transformation of our hearts. Don't get the wrong idea, we're not at each other's throats, or even struggling (except with our own selfishness). We're simply two very stubborn people, and I'm a very grumpy person too.
The Prayer Tent... I'm waiting to hear back from the people in charge of the markets. Might have to ring and hassle them soon.
I think I might need to lead worship at church sometime soon.
My gym visits are causing me far too much pain.
I want a holiday.
Because of Street War's different format, it's getting plenty of hits (well, compared with previously, not with uber-popular blogs)... but very few comments. Which saddens me a little, because I like getting lots of feedback and encouragement. I think I'm high-maintenance.

There... don't I sound like an incredible whinger? But I feel much better now. Purged.

Opened My Eyes

2006-03-09T20:20:00.000+10:00

I had a bit of an epiphany at bible study this week.

We're studying James, and without the usual safety blanket of a bible-college-educated person in the room now. So, James 4. One person was giving what seemed to me to be contradictory answers, so me being me, I quizzed him on it.

Hmmm... I think I can be a little too confronting at times. But that wasn't the epiphany. The epiphany was when I realised that to this particular person, maybe 'belief' and 'action' were the same thing (how very Jamesian). And that if he heartily agreed with all of James 4, he'd need to do some major submitting to God.

Switch to me.

Contrast Central. I'm quite happy to 'believe' one thing, and act out another. While 'striving' for the ideal in a vague kinda way, of course.

Who, out of the two of us, is closer to what James was telling us to be?

Ouch.

Salvos in Australia - The Beginning

2006-03-02T09:25:00.000+10:00

The Army's southern hemisphere work began in Australia in 1880 when Edward Saunders and John Gore led the first Salvation Army meeting from the back of a greengrocer's cart in Adelaide's Botanic Garden.

When Gore said, "If there's a man here who hasn't had a square meal today, let him come home to tea with me," little did he realise that within a century, The Salvation Army would be feeding hundreds of thousands of Australians, New Zealanders and Pacific Islanders a year.

Church seeks help to map its history

Mmmm... but we're not inviting them home for tea anymore, are we?

Punk Meets Salvo

2006-02-27T14:53:00.000+10:00

OK, maybe it's just the latest hairdo, but I saw this photo in the latest On the Scene and loved it...

Black and purple

2006-02-27T14:31:00.000+10:00

As you might notice (if you've been visiting this new blog), I'm slowly getting round to changing the colour scheme to something a little less.... PINK. Or, I might just use the StreetWar template and change the colours a bit.

Anyway, the colours - black and purple - are highly significant atm. They're the current colours of my hair. Short (5mm?) black hair over most of my head, with a 6-7cm wide bright purple, slightly longer, spiky swathe down the middle. Why? Well, in all honesty, I get bored with my reflection at times. Coloured hair is like short-term wearable art to me. And OK, so a purple mini-mohawk isn't that original... but it's fun.

Underneath the Veneer

2006-02-23T14:27:00.000+10:00

Updates from the Front Line: Underneath the Veneer
I figure linking to my posts on the StreetWar blog is the best way of making sure that people who're trying to keep up with me, can do so easily.

OW

2006-02-20T10:21:00.000+10:00

This is just a quick post to let y'all know... I HURT.

My calf and back muscles have started cramping, joined by some abdominal muscles. And when I say 'cramping' I mean 24/7 'we're gonna pull ourselves so tight you could play music on us'. I don't know why. I thought of a potassium or magnesium deficiency... well I'm dosed up on potassium now, at least, and it hasn't helped. It could possibly be a magnesium or calcium deficiency, though.

Any other ideas? Maybe this is another of God's cryptic clues. If so, he is in SOOOOO much trouble once I get to heaven!!!

Musical Genius

2006-02-16T13:44:00.000+10:00

Nah, not really. Musical genius I aint. For one thing, my fingers don't co-ordinate anywhere near easily enough. For another, I don't have a perfect ear. Despite these limitations, I decided to learn guitar. So I researched away, then searched the internet, emailed various shops, and finally settled on a 'bargain' Segovia acoustic guitar. Solid top, steel strings, good quality machine heads, lots of pretty inlay, free gig bag. All well and good, but then I had to learn to play the thing. It looks kinda nice just sitting around outta the gig bag, but I could've just bought a cardboard cutout and painted it up if that's all I wanted it for. Well, the first few (self-given) lessons were atrocious. No volume control, buzzes, squawks and various other unmelodious noises. But I'm slowly getting the hang of it. A month later and I can pick out tunes like Greensleeves and Scarborough Fair... and even play some songs along with the CD that came with the instruction book. I have genuine callouses on the fingers of my left hand. I've just bought a couple of new instruction books for the next part of the learning curve... chords. ARGH. Know how I said my fingers don't co-ordinate easily? Chords require a lot of LEFT hand co-ordination. Sigh. But I think back to a month ago and realise I felt much the same dread starting the last instruction book... and OK, I'm bound to gain some extra callouses (which require PAIN), but it'll be worth it in the end. PS. There's a life lesson in there somewhere. I couldn't be bothered drawing it out, but feel free to expostulate on it yourself in the comments area, if you so desire :-)

Married Women's ghetto RANT

2006-02-14T13:05:00.000+10:00

This article seems to made some waves - mostly good ones in my experience - in the online SA community. Here's a link if you have no idea what I'm talking about - Married Women's ghetto RANT. Carole mentions it on her site - there's a bit of discussion there. Well, I'm very careful about debating or even discussing issues which I have no immediate interest in doing something about (sort of a 'put up or shut up' arrangement with myself). THIS issue, though, is one very close to my heart. So, I thought I'd add to my blog a response I gave on a Salvo group/mailing list yesterday.

Just a few words first, though... Danielle Strickland has a little part of my heart all to herself, because she turned up with short hair, a different surname to her husband's, a child, and a discussion on women's place in the Salvation Army, right at a time when I needed the encouragement to be me, regardless of the mutterers. I'm sure she has no idea who on earth I am, and that's fine. I don't need a place in her heart in return!

Whewwww!!! I'm not sure whether I'm more refreshed or frustrated from reading that article. Refreshed, because it's nice to hear someone speaking similar thoughts to mine. Frustrated, because I still hold in my head some idealistic thoughts about the Salvation Army and its leadership. Because _I've_ never had to deal with being 'suppressed' (not a good word, but it'll do) in my ministry because of my gender - even in the Lutheran church as a kid, or for that matter in any workplace - I guess I tend to assume that it will never be a problem for me... that the problem must lie in part with the women of the Salvation Army for willingly taking the backseat roles whatever their giftings.

Deep down, I've always assumed that if I became an officer, I had as good a chance as any man to become General. Hmmmm... maybe I should apply for officership and find out!

Thanks & Encouragement

2006-02-14T11:53:00.000+10:00

I figured I should throw in a thankyou to a few people -

First, to the people who've been reading this blog for months and leaving kind, encouraging comments now and then. You've blessed me with your love and care.
Second, to Bec, a friend who found this blog and with her comments inspired me to restart blogging when I hadn't felt like writing a word for months. Thanks, darl :-)

God made us to need encouragement and help from each other... I think we're strongest when we realise this and harness it.

MUFHH - Today's Challenge

2006-02-14T11:44:00.000+10:00

The goal of my spiritual life is such close identification with Jesus Christ that I will always hear God and know that God always hears me (see John 11:41 ). If I am united with Jesus Christ, I hear God all the time through the devotion of hearing. A flower, a tree, or a servant of God may convey God’s message to me. What hinders me from hearing is my attention to other things. It is not that I don’t want to hear God, but I am not devoted in the right areas of my life. I am devoted to things and even to service and my own convictions. God may say whatever He wants, but I just don’t hear Him. The attitude of a child of God should always be, "Speak, for Your servant hears." If I have not developed and nurtured this devotion of hearing, I can only hear God’s voice at certain times. At other times I become deaf to Him because my attention is to other things— things which I think I must do. This is not living the life of a child of God. Have you heard God’s voice today?
My Utmost for His Highest, 13 February

(well, yesterday's, sort of, but what with timezones and God's global nature... it'll do)

Have I heard God's voice today? No, I don't think so. But then, maybe I'm wrong. At the moment, I'm spending time and effort joining a gym instead of what I'd usually be doing this time of year - scrambling to get into a biblical study course for the semester. I did think about restarting study this semester, but every time I felt God saying a distinct "no, don't do that, you won't have time". Won't have TIME? Oh, Lord, do you really know what you're doing here?

Don't worry, folks, I'm not struggling with a lack of faith there. I'm just a little gobsmacked that he's planning to have me busy. Hmmmm.

Oh... what does this have to do with the gym? Well, I'm fairly sure he wants me getting my physical fitness on track, rather than my mental fitness. Why? He doesn't bother me with those 'little details'. Either I'm wandering off down the road of my own desires, or he's doing something peculiar with my life again.

Life in the Cruisin' Lane

2006-02-11T20:20:00.000+10:00

I think I'm still waiting for God to go KABOOM! in my life.

In the meantime... I'm trying desperately to learn the skill of reliability. To all those who have reliability as part of their makeup - you have no idea how hard it is to learn!

So I'm gritting my teeth and turning up to bible study, committing myself to cook dinner for people, offering our (extremely messy atm) house for a church member who's having an accommodation crisis, volunteering to help with someone's newsletter... ARGH. Oh, and committing to research and bring back info on how to put together my prayer tent idea. This is all very scary stuff. On the bright side, half my offers have been gratefully received, but found unnecessary. PHEW. But there are still a number of responsibilities there, including catering for morning tea tomorrow. Oh, and my new assumption of the role of Social Club President at work.

I'm really looking forward to God releasing me from this 9 to 5 job... although I have a sneaking suspicion that once he does, I'll spend more than a few moments looking back at such cruisy times with nostalgia.

Being accountable to church members... this is such a hard lesson to undertake. I don't like it. Every time I make a commitment I feel a deep fear - the fear of failing someone and stuffing everything up for more people than just me. There's a song - by the Newsboys I think?

What if I stumble,
And what if I fall?
What if I lose my step
And make fools of us all?

This is me, now. Nearly paralysed with fear that I'm going to stuff everything up and let everyone down, and bring God's name into disrepute. But I've spent too much time avoiding committing myself to anything major for that exact reason... and now it's time for me to grit my teeth and do it anyway. I'll just have to rely on God to bring good out of the chaos.

Progress!

2006-01-30T12:55:00.000+10:00

The Prayer Tent is... coming soon. Hopefully. Have spoken to church leader and a few church members about it. Hmm... should be interesting.

The rest of my life is interesting at the moment. I feel a bit as though I'm cruising along in neutral gear, relaxed... waiting for an opportunity to show itself... and in the meantime, just doing whatever I feel led to do, wherever I happen to be.

Last week, I got an email from a friend over in Africa on a mission trip. The mental pictures of little orphan babies and toddlers starving for affection are haunting me. If they're still haunting me in a few months time, I may just ask hubby if we can drop everything and head over there. Poor guy.

Relaxation

2005-12-31T22:35:00.000+10:00

Oh my.

I hadn't had a holiday for almost a year. Wow, THIS is what a holiday feels like. Seriously, I'd forgotten. I'd forgotten that feeling of relaxation and well-being that comes with a hard-earned, do-whatever-you-want holiday. Even when I had holidays last year, we were travelling, being sociable to lots of people we hadn't seen for a year or more, going places, doing STUFF... blah. This year I decided I needed a simple, stay-at-home BREAK.

Ahhhhhhhh. The muscles between my shoulder blades are starting to relax.

'Christmas' and 'busy'

2005-12-20T17:42:00.000+10:00

Those two words always seem to go together. I wonder why? Why does Christmas always have to be 'busy'?

Anyway, I decided to post for a couple of reasons.

First, I haven't posted in this blog for a while, and wanted to let people know I'm still alive and relatively on-track. I haven't gotten the prayer tent up and running, but I am hoping to be involved with a Christmas Lunch for the homeless this weekend. I'm not sure it's going to happen, but at least I've tried. Hmmm.

Second, I felt like venting. I've had one of 'those' weeks. This month, much to my (looking back) disgust, I got the idea in my head that I must be pregnant. Now, when you've been trying for over a year, this sort of thing is just dumb, and can't be blamed on bright-eyed ignorance. Half of me can cope quite well with the idea that God's in charge and will bless us however he chooses - biological children, other people's children, foreign orphans, whatever. The other half of me screams in raw, agonising pain at least once a month. This stuff HURTS. But something that gives me a bit of comfort is looking at the barren women in the bible. It looks like they suffered from much the same ambivalence... sheer pain at their situation, and faith that God knew what he was doing. That gives me far more comfort than the fact that they (mostly) got their biological children.

My biggest marriage problem

2005-12-02T13:30:00.000+10:00

I think I've worked it out. My biggest temptation in marriage is this - petulance.

By that, I mean this sort of scenario:

I like hubby doing A (eg. back massage after a hard day).
Hubby hardly ever does A for me.
During a particularly dry or stressful spell, I get more and more upset about hubby not doing A when I so obviously need it.
I decide that since hubby won't do A for me, I won't do B for him, which he loves.

This seems sort of logical on the surface. The problem is... if both people in a marriage are thinking this way (even subconsciously), it becomes a vicious circle. Soon neither person feels like doing anything for the other. Apathy, resentment and frustration reign.

So... I'm determined not to let this way of thinking into my head over the next few weeks.

Hearing Voices

2005-11-30T09:20:00.000+10:00

Whew... check out this poem - Hearing Voices. I like it.

Keeping Busy

2005-11-28T13:44:00.000+10:00

I've been trying to keep myself busy. This blog was partially born from that attempt at busyness. See, hubby and I have been trying to get pregnant for well over a year now, after the miscarriage of a couple-of-months-before-plan, but very very welcome pregnancy.

It's exceedingly easy to obsess over pregnancy, the lack thereof, the attempts to get pregnant, etc. I try hard not to obsess, but it's difficult when it's my own body that's the key. Know what I mean? Pregnancy is heralded by many, many changes in my body, it's something that comes into being in my body... so I suspect that not obsessing is far more difficult for women than for men. Feel free to disagree, as long as you can do it rationally!

So, another aspect of 'keeping busy' has been an attempt to keep myself (and others) amused by looking at the funny side of trying to conceive. So far, the blog is looking rather pathetic. I'm disappointed at my inability to express amusing thoughts well in the fictional diary format that I chose. Oh well, I'll keep trying. If you want to have a look (keeping in mind my disclaimer of 'pathetic'), check out Help, I can't find the bun!

Questions

2005-11-20T12:31:00.000+10:00

I appreciate having the (Australian) Lutheran church as my first spiritual home for a few reasons, but right now this is the main one - I learnt to accept that some questions just don't have definitive answers. I remember the church I went to being very upfront in saying - we don't know how God does this, we just believe he does.

Wow, has that done me an incredible amount of good! I'm the questioning type, I need explanations for a lot of things (like why God made particular rules for us). But I can accept that some questions just don't have answers that I can comprehend here and now. Maybe after I die, I'll find out and understand all those answers. I look forward to the possibility!

Anyway, I was reminded of this concept at church today. A fellow member talked about a scary hospital visit during the week, and her anger at God. How dare he let that happen to her? And he told her something that he's told me often... that he's there, and he's in control, whether I understand or not. It reminded me of a time in my life when I leaned on that knowledge with all of my weight... and of a piece of writing I did in the middle of the night a couple of months ago. It's full of questions, and only one answer.

Warning - it's about a miscarriage, and may bring up pain and memories for anyone who's experienced a similar loss.

Will I see my unborn child in heaven?

Does a tiny form which never grew eyes contemplate the glory of our Father?

Did a soul ever flicker into awareness and feel the love and devotion poured over it so briefly?

I wonder. Mostly I try not to, because to answer these questions seems trite and pointless. Who really knows?

God knows. But these seem to be secrets which he holds close to his heart. He knows exactly what happens in the womb. He knits together not only the body, but the soul, of each and every child.

What I yearn to know is - was it a potential life or a living, aware child that I lost that day? Will I see my baby in heaven??

At the end of the day, I know only this -

God knows the answers to my questions, and there are no tears in heaven. These two things, and God's very presence, are my comfort when I have no answers.

Drawing Crosses

2005-11-10T21:51:00.000+10:00

For the second time this week, I find myself amidst people drawing crosses on inanimate objects. Strangely, the expressed purpose each time seemed quite different from my perspective. Is God trying to show me a deep difference, or an underlying similarity?