Epiphany No. 487

(no, I don't really number my epiphanies!)

I think I had an epiphany today at lunchtime.

I was thinking about my desire to have a day off tomorrow, and trying to calculate the possibility of it being granted by my workplace (probably rather high compared to many workplaces). Anyway, it occurred to me that hubby will be home most of tomorrow, and I lost a bit of enthusiasm for the idea. Not because I don't enjoy spending time with him - I do! - but because right now I'm struggling with yet another depressive low... and being with another person for long just seems like too much effort. I can't be entirely myself. I need to be a better version of myself... nicer, calmer, more controlled. Otherwise I do harm. Whereas by myself, I can let loose and do/say whatever, and no-one's going to care. I can ignore the world and get lost in a book and no-one's feelings will get hurt. I can be selfish, catty and annoying, and my audience (me) will find me hilarious and great company.

Wouldn't it be nice if that better version was actually the real version, and didn't require extra effort to maintain?