It's been a while

I've been struggling a fair bit.

Not spiritually, so much. I feel as though I'm in a 'leaning' time, where I spend most of my spiritual effort just having quick chats with God and resting in him. No huge spiritual growing going on, just quietly relying on him. And I'm OK with that. Partly because I suspect I'm being taught a far deeper lesson than I realise.

Anyway, onto the struggle and why I haven't been blogging much in the last year or so. I was pregnant last year. Everything went well with bubs, and we now have a 7 month old gorgeous little boy. However, I was diagnosed with a relatively major heart problem - related to the repair of a bigger problem done when I was young. Basically all it means as far as symptoms go, now, is that I'm tired - exhausted! - a lot. In a way, it's been freeing, because when I know what's wrong and understand my limits, I can work with them and with God a lot more effectively. Chances are I've had some symptoms for years, and that's why I've had weird periods of tiredness and apathy. Not depression, after all.

So, that's where I'm at. I'm hoping to get posting on this blog a lot more regularly, as well as revamping StreetWar and setting up a new blogzine for christian women. I'm thinking of opening StreetWar up into more of a discussion forum for people ministering (or wanting to minister to, or support ministry, etc) to the disadvantaged. I think it might help give StreetWar some new life. The blogzine... well, I've been looking around at resources for christian women on the net, and a lot of it is... ummm... a bit too conservative for my liking. We'll see. I'll post a link if and when I get it off the ground.

TIRED

When we get right down to it... that's how I feel. Tired. Not depressed, just that my body wants to sleep, and sleep, and maybe just lie on the couch awake for a few hours.

I've had a mantra over the last few weeks - simply this... "Lord, thank you for today". When my only other options seemed to be worry or fake "it'll be OK!" optimism, I fell back on that. I'm not sure where the concept comes from (doubtless some book I read... might even be the bible). But I didn't want to pray, "Lord, make everything OK", because... sometimes he doesn't. And I didn't want to pray, "Lord, thanks for this new family member" when I knew full well there was a good chance the pregnancy would never get that far. So my prayers have often been reduced to, "Lord, thank you for today". I guess it's my way of saying that I have no idea where whatever happened that day fits into a grand scheme, but I have faith that he will bring joy and peace out of it.

"All things work together for good, for those that love God"
(eventually)

Big Issues and Church Collide

So our mate who sells the Big Issue in our upper-class suburb turned up at church for the second time on Sunday. The first time, he sat down next to me, listened a bit, talked to me a bit, then got uncomfortable and left. This time, he sat down for a couple of minutes before telling me he wanted to stay, but couldn't - he needed to talk.

We went outside, and he told me that he was facing the possibility of getting kicked out of his unit, and he was worried about himself and (maybe more important to him) his cat. His unit means a lot to him, as does the cat. So we talked, had a cup of coffee, and sold a couple of copies of the Big Issue. Then I had to leave, and he probably went to the pub.

Now what?

I Want to be a CLONE

One of the greatest joys - and maybe greatest influences, too - of my early Christian life was a singer by the name of Steve Taylor. If you're OLD (30-40), you might have heard of him. Many of his songs took a gentle (or sometimes not-so-gentle) jab at contemporary Christianity. Some of them were aimed at secular life. He liked to point out the foibles and failings of modern life in a humourous way... and I still love his music. He's still around, but he's no longer recording his own music. Sigh. Oh well, people don't HAVE to consult me before changing their careers... I guess.

So anyway... I was wandering through netland and came across this fantastic little gem. It's live footage of my hero himself, singing my favourite song... the timeless "I Want To Be A Clone".

Guilt

Ever noticed that you're feeling guilty for not being on a spiritual high?

As though christian life was about the 'thrill' times, and if you're having trouble feeling God's presence and consciously letting him work through you, there's something significantly wrong with you?

PS.

I meant to mention that my body's not really appreciating the huge rise and fall in hormone levels that's swept through it in the last couple of weeks. Today I'm feeling better than I have in weeks, and I'm still ready to crawl under my desk and sleep. So if my blogs don't get updated... you have an insider's knowledge as to WHY! :-)

Update on a Weird Month

I've finally gotten around to making an update.

In all honesty, I've been avoiding this, because I haven't been quite sure what was going on and how I felt about it - which makes it difficult to communicate anything!

As far as ministry goes... well, I'm still getting to know people in the neighbourhood, and the gentleman who sells the Big Issue in our suburb actually turned up at church for 5-10 minutes before getting uncomfortable and leaving. I guess that's a step in the right direction? At least one person made a point of visiting him at his usual spot, mentioning that they saw him at church and buying a magazine, so hopefully that's helped.

Personal life... oh boy. First, a little bit of background info... hubby and I have been trying for children for a couple of years now. Result at the start of the year? 1 pregnancy, 1 miscarriage, 15 months of nothing and God saying to me, "It's not going to happen this year". OK, I could cope with that. I ditched the ovulation tracking and immersed myself in work, church and outside-church-ministry. April was the first month, though, that I managed the mammoth feat - I managed to completely forget where in my cycle I was. I was quite impressed with my feat until I noticed that I'd been feeling tired, nauseous and headachey - not to mention full of weird pains - for a couple of weeks. I tested - very very faint positive. Hmmmm. I showed it to hubby that night, in case I'd been imagining things. Nope - he agreed with me. Hmmmmmm. That night, I started bleeding. Sigh. In other words, yes I was pregnant... and no, I'm not anymore.

So this has got me wondering what exactly God's trying to tell me. See, I was fairly sure that God was in control when it came to those 18 months since the last miscarriage. I often felt him saying "Not yet", so not getting pregnant didn't really bother me on anything but an emotional level. But now - was that another 'not yet'? Was it a 'get ready'? Or was it just one of those seemingly-random sad things that happens in a fallen world? I'm puzzled... and I feel like treading water for a while till I can figure it out. Unfortunately, the world's moving on regardless... so I guess I'll just have to see what happens.

Ka-CHING!

A lightbulb just went on.

I just saw this article, courtesy of a forum far-removed from TSA and blogging. It's an explanation of long-term illness that works rather well for depression, too... when I read it I thought, "That is SO obvious". It's one of those things that only seem obvious once someone's come up with it.

The Spoon Theory

Epiphany No. 487

(no, I don't really number my epiphanies!)

I think I had an epiphany today at lunchtime.

I was thinking about my desire to have a day off tomorrow, and trying to calculate the possibility of it being granted by my workplace (probably rather high compared to many workplaces). Anyway, it occurred to me that hubby will be home most of tomorrow, and I lost a bit of enthusiasm for the idea. Not because I don't enjoy spending time with him - I do! - but because right now I'm struggling with yet another depressive low... and being with another person for long just seems like too much effort. I can't be entirely myself. I need to be a better version of myself... nicer, calmer, more controlled. Otherwise I do harm. Whereas by myself, I can let loose and do/say whatever, and no-one's going to care. I can ignore the world and get lost in a book and no-one's feelings will get hurt. I can be selfish, catty and annoying, and my audience (me) will find me hilarious and great company.

Wouldn't it be nice if that better version was actually the real version, and didn't require extra effort to maintain?